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25 February 2013 @ 10:31 am
The Fox's Cradle Chapter 6  
Ohkai I'm not gonna leave you guys hanging there anymore so... HERE IT IS. The last chapter. Before you read it, are you mentally prepared? Do you need to go turn off the stove and take out/in the laundry? It's not that long but it's... daebak :)

It started from the dreams. Somehow I could feel that the nerves in my brain were thinning and tightening, and I begun to have frequent bouts of fever too. Its almost like, if I pressed down on them, they won't even bounce back. I'm the weakest that I've been, ever. And bringing the child back home just took my health for another round of beating. I'm only strong because he's here for me. And with my ageing looks, I grew even more miserable despite his reassurances. My heart has caught a cold, and it's been down for a long time. But I refuse to go to the hospital, because stepping into that place would confirm the fact that I was ill.

Living with an insomniac must have taken a toll on his sleep as well. Seeing how I couldn't even stomach a proper meal, he tried to persuade me to go to the hospital. Hearing his words just made me curl up in fright like a hedgehog, hiding under my blanket with my hands over my ears as I gritted my teeth. No. Not that place.

"What do you want... Jaejoong ah, be good."
"I want to sleep... Give me sleeping pills, anything, Yunho ah..."
"No, I won't"

I tried begging him a few times but he firmly refused. He probably knows my weak stomach probably can't take any more pills, especially not when I haven't eaten anything in days. He knows me better than I know myself, so he won't give in so easily. I'd grown so tired, even of breathing, that I eventually fell asleep. He held me close to him so that I could sleep for a little while more, giving me the world that I'd thought of as my own.

I hate having to close my eyes. It makes me afraid, that maybe I'll never find a way out of that sea of fire. The thing that's torturing me isn't her mother, and not her either. It's as if something dark had found its way into my heart, writhing within me and killing me slowly.

People call this 'guilt', an emotional debt. Perhaps my conscience has finally tired of not caring about whether things were right or wrong, and now it's starting to reflect upon my actions. I'm in pain, and this pain makes what I felt when Yunho didn't come for me in the hospital seem like nothing. I wanted to return to that Kim Jaejoong, the person who could kill someone and still hope for a happy ending. But it's too late. Ever since I first stepped into this house with Yunho... My guilt has been haunting me, pushing me into the endless pits of hell.

I slept for a long time. When I woke up, I found an intravenous drip sticking out of my wrist. Since I refused to go near a hospital, he'd asked to hospital to send a doctor here instead. The moment he saw that I was awake, Yunho immediately gave the doctor a call, asking him to rush back to our house to check on me.

"Please.... Take this... Out..."

He couldn't comprehend my disjointed, slurry speech, and continued to inject all sorts of medicines into me. I could feel my heart writhing in turmoil. If it were not for Yunho's arms, I would have had a really violent reaction, because after a while I was retching and vomiting stomach acid. Both Yunho and the doctor were stunned by my reaction, and the doctor quickly tried to explain that it was because I was allergic to some of the medicine used. No, you're wrong.... I don't want anything... If it's not Yunho.

I didn't even have enough strength to sit, but I still wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to do it with him all night, while sipping wine and taking that occasional puff from the cigarette between his fingers. Somehow I had the feeling that if I didn't do it now, I would never ever have a chance to do it with him again. I desperately stretched out my hands to Yunho, my fingers trembling in the air. Ah.... I really do look like a patient...

He walked towards me but he didn't pull me into his arms because at that moment, the child walked in. I wonder what she was thinking then, when she caught the scent of our decades-old disease? Her expression seemed complicated as she stared at me.

"A-hyun ah, didn't I tell you not to come here? Get out, quickly..."
"...Is he sick?"
"Yes, very. So don't come in here."

He quickly turned to pick her up so I couldn't see her, patting her shoulders as he asked her to leave the room. He was trying hard to continue playing the role of a kindly father, and he looked so pitiful from behind. Just looking at him made me want to cry my heart out for him, but even crying was difficult for me. Because of the acid reflux, my stomach felt as if it had split apart. I held my stomach and couldn't stop myself from throwing up again.

The sight and sound of me retching was caught by him and the child. A-hyun stared at me in shock as her father tried to usher her out of the door. She grabbed her father's thumb and pretended to look sad for me.

"I won't call you umma..."
"Hurgh... Ungh...."
"So please don't be sick anymore..."

Again, all that came out were gastric juices. Just how much more am I going to throw up?

Even my throat hurts. It's as if I was trying to eject everything from inside me, draining me of my energy. I could feel the doctor's hands as he felt for my pulse, and I closed my eyes. A-hyun's look of pity surfaced in my mind. I won't call you umma... I won't call you umma anymore...

Suh-hee ah, if you were just a little more cruel, or if you didn't give birth to this vicious child, then perhaps I wouldn't be in such pain, and maybe I wouldn't be so sad.

By the time I could calm my thoughts, a whole afternoon had passed. I was living as if I was in a dream; closing my eyes for what felt like 10 minutes translated to 10 hours in reality.

Time still ticks on even if my thoughts were in slow motion.

A day has passed, and I felt him kneel beside me in all his perfection. He's probably begging me to wake up, choking back his tears at the same time. I slowly turned to look at him, and saw his tears fall onto my pillow. My Yunho... He's suffering like I am. The most beautiful person in the world, my Jung Yunho...

He held me tight in his arms. Where has that fiery passion gone to? I used to be able to feel his heart beating energetically everyday, but where has that gone, too? Jung Yunho is dead. We are one being, so if I'm suffering, he's suffering as well. In this irritating paradox, we gradually stopped shivering.

I didn't even have the strength to move my arms, but of course he took that into consideration as he adjusted me into a comfortable position, murmuring 'I love you' in his beautifully low voice as he climbed on top of me and pulled off all my obstructive clothes. It's like a final glimmer of hope; he's not doing this to ascertain our ability to make love, but to find a last bit of hope through my reaction.

His movements were slow but they created a huge reaction within me, from my abdomen all the way to my fingertips. His cock quickly brought me to a climax with its gentle destructive power, and at the same time I felt an unusual wave of pleasure and pain.

"Jaejoong ah..."

He swallowed hard, trying to calm himself. I heard his voice and slowly opened my eyes to look at him. He's staring in disbelief at where we were connected, so I traced his line of sight. It's almost like sticking a knife into an infected wound that's oozing pus.


Blood. Blood was oozing out along with his semen, but I didn't feel the pain. Did my dying body love sex so much that even such agony could be ignored? I thought of how I had excreted blood not too long ago.

But I was no longer afraid, just a bit troubled by how our blanket cannot be used now. I wanted to reassure the visibly shocked Yunho, who was trembling and staring at my lower body, and I let out an involuntary sigh.

"I'm better off dead than having to live like this... Right... Yunho...?"

I finally understood what it felt like to be a cripple, lying there and not being able to move a single muscle. It probably feels like this. The blankets were soaked in blood but it just kept flowing. Yunho tried to use towels to stop it but it didn't work. But don't worry, don't be frightened by this, Yunho ah, it will stop soon. So don't be sad. I entrusted my ice-cold body to him as I closed my eyes and gave in to the terrible drowsiness that overcame me.

His breath, his voice, his heart beat. They called out to me from my dreams.

Jaejoong ah, Jaejoong ah... Even if I'm gone, I'll still be able to hear my name on your lips.

"How can you die alone like this..."
"Wait for me, Jaejoong ah... Wait for me..."

He didn't forget our wedding, and our vows. Whenever I had the time I would finger our wedding ring and swear to myself that we'll always be together. Why are you so distraught, my cute little Yunho ah...

"Don't go... Sob... You can't leave me behind... And move on by yourself...."
".... I won't die, Yunho ah..."

My wretched and lonely little life is like a parasite. Even if I died, I'll still live on in your heart... So I'll never die, Yunho ah.

It was a mystical night. Everything around me was silent and pitch dark. I walked towards the bathroom, breathing in the fresh, clean air of dawn and feeling the cold floor beneath my feet. The strangest thing was that it didn't feel tiring at all. Maybe it's because, moments ago, I was lying in his arms? My heart felt calm and steady.

I filled the bath tub with water - cold, because he hates the heat. Turning the tap on full might wake him up, so I adjusted the tap until the rush of water was almost silent, a light sound echoing in the bathroom that you had to strain your ears to hear.

I stood at the counter, hands drenched in water as I bent over to wash my face. After a thorough cleansing, I stared at my reflection. A pair of dazed eyes stared back at me as I took in the reflection of my 32 year-old self. I look a bit gaunt, but still very beautiful. At least at the very end, I wouldn't look too bad. This thought made me a lot happier.

I smiled, not knowing exactly what it is that soothes me so. Maybe it's because my heart's empty? Holding your heart still as water - I finally understood what that means and scolded myself a little for not realizing sooner. It's too late for regrets. I had no more energy left to torment others, because I finally know the price of being a sinner. That's why, committing suicide is the perfect way out for me, so I hope he wouldn't be too saddened by this.

The water quickly reached the brim. Before it started overflowing, I opened the cabinet and took out a shaving blade. And then, I closed the tap and took a towel with me as I stepped into the bath tub.

I placed the towel over my arms as I sat down into the tub. The cold water rushed over me, stinging me like a thousand little pin pricks. I clenched my jaws as my teeth chattered involuntarily, and I tried to hum my favourite tunes as I fought against the cold. My wrists were wet.

In my next life, I'll create a world where there's only the two of us. We'll live together in my paradise, never having to worry or be sad, bathing in the golden light of our youth.

I placed the blade over my protruding vein and ran it slowly across my skin. It slid smoothly into my flesh, drawing blood instantly. I was so cold that it didn't feel painful at all, and I even started tearing from the cold.

I laid back into the tub as I watched my blood well out of the cut, staining the water. Ba-dump, ba-dump, the echoes of that lovely rhythm gradually weakened and faded. My fingertips felt icier than the water. Joint by joint... the cold consumed me. I shivered violently as I adjusted my clothes and closed my eyes.

"....Yunho ah..."

My voice echoed, desolate, in the empty bathroom. I let myself be bathed in the crimson water, feeling my body warm up finally. My breathing became erratic, and my lungs felt dry.

Is Yunho still sleeping? Is he sleeping like a little child, with those long eyelashes framing his lovely eyes? Is he as warm as I am right now? Does he feel cold without a blanket?

Bam! I heard a dull thud. Why am I still holding onto this little bit of consciousness...?

"Jaejoong ah!!!! Kim Jaejoong!!!"

One last time. Just once. Is it because I wanted the last thing I see to be you? Is it because I wanted to reaffirm your love for me, even as I lay dying? My Yunho, my beloved Yunho ah...

"Jaejoong ah, open your eyes... Jaejoong ah, wake up!!! How can I live without you!!? Jaejoong ah... Jaejoong ah..."

Yunho, you still love me. You're holding my icy body in the water that's bathed with my own blood, and yet you still love me. I'm glad. Because you can't live without me.

"Jaejoong ah!! Sob...sob.. Open your eyes, please!!"

Heavy. My eyelids feel so heavy. If only I could see your face again, but I can't open my eyes. Yunho ah. Maybe if you warm my body up with yours, I'll be able to see you?

When I next open my eyes... I pray that you'll be standing before me... Yunho ah, Yunho... My love... I'm leaving... And I don't feel cold at all. Do I look pale...? My lips, do my crimson lips look as good as they did...?

I tried to twitch my lips into a smile. Only now do I realize that, perhaps, it's selfish of me to leave him behind and move on like this. I tried thrashing my body around so I would linger on for a bit more, but I just can't open my eyes. I wonder how does the world look like right now? I could only hear his cries and sobs. My body has already gone stiff. I hope you can understand my selfish, ugly heart, and remember our dazzlingly beautiful romance, and our final promise that we couldn't fulfill.

And then, all my emotions left my body.

I'll live on in his heart, breathing with every beat. Even if I'm dead, it doesn't mean that everything in me has died. Because I am you, and you are me.

He was sobbing uncontrollably over my cold body. Under those calls of love and hiccups, like a white lie, I opened my eyes.

The first thing I saw was a blinding light. I saw his lips that had once asked me to love him, and confessed his love for me. Even in death, he's still calling out to me so sweetly. And behind him...

She stood there, her lips quivering and her eyes wide. I saw my reflection in her eyes. She's hesitant, unsure of what to call me.

It's alright, A-hyun ah.

A-hyun ah, A-hyun...

Call me umma just this once....
onewaytrackkonewaytrackk on February 25th, 2013 02:40 am (UTC)
Oh my gosh.
I knew that it was coming but to actually read it...

A-Hyun seeing it.. Poor girl, really.

Wow. Emotional shock >.>

Thank you for translating this to the end, I really really really appreciate it!!!!
Much love <33
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:34 pm (UTC)
You're welcomed! :D Hope you liked the ending as much as I did somehow!
me_cloverme_clover on February 25th, 2013 06:35 am (UTC)
Did the story end like that? What happen to yunho? It's sooo sad. I'm holding back my tears through my reading. I cant cry coz my colleagues will act like 'whats wrong with u? R u breaking up with ur bf? @ u dont have money to eat? @ did s/one die?' huhu...
Poor jaejoong. N yunho even more... Sob3...
Potecchi, thanks for translating this beautiful fanfic. But, ahh, i hate the way it end. Tragically beautiful. Still wish a happy ending story for them... Phew...
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:36 pm (UTC)
OH MY GAWD HAHA i bet your colleagues must be like so stunned xD

I'll get the epilogue up soon. That's like, the real end to everything. And I really loved it. Like. Omg.
4evexd4everxd on February 25th, 2013 12:31 pm (UTC)
OHHHHH MYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOD! I have shivers >.< JAEJOONG-AHH! omgdhfhgfhg it's amazinggggggggggggg
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T DIE ;O; This is so sad TT_TT The whole chapter is just unfffff so heartbreakingly beautiful <3 ;A; Poor Yunho! What will happen to them now? it really ends like that? I thought Yunho after that would die too?
Anyways thank you for being awesome and translating this masterpiece! <3

Edited at 2013-02-25 12:31 pm (UTC)
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:37 pm (UTC)
YES THERE'S AN EPILOGUE HAHA :D sorry been too busy to translate that!

Thank YOU for reading it :) No story's a masterpiece if there's no one to read it :)
anemone_seaanemone_sea on February 25th, 2013 02:15 pm (UTC)
let me think awhile!
it hasn't ended, right?
it shouldn't end by this way! omg.. TT_____TT
thought, A-hyun is a good girl. jaejoong...? yunho...? too much things about them in my mind!
please tell me that it's not an ending T.T
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:37 pm (UTC)
HAHA SOMEONE'S IN DENIAL :D this is sort of the end, but i guess i really need to do up the epilogue to give all of you a sense of closure
sobi_chan on February 25th, 2013 04:52 pm (UTC)
Even though i expected this end still i am crying my feelings are a mess whyyyyy this is so sad don't tell me it's the end don't tell me it ends like this omg
sobi_chan on February 25th, 2013 04:55 pm (UTC)
I really want to tell you thank you for this amazing translation! I've been following your updates since the day you started translating it. You really deserve an award for making so much yunjae fans happy!
I am waiting for your next works :)
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:39 pm (UTC)
omg thank you <3 that was so sweet <3 it... as far as it goes yes this is the end BUT there's an epilogue. WAIT FOR IT :) i swear, it'll give you the closure you need :)

thank you so much for following me all this while! it's a bit cheesy, but really my greatest reward = nice comments like these :) really make my day!
aya_sakine on February 25th, 2013 08:58 pm (UTC)
So really ends? Is not there an epilogue? T_T What about Yunhobun? Oh god ... I can not believe it.
I was holding back tears, but now I let go to mourn because while I read reminded how innocent and tender was the first episode, for example, the part where Yunho asks to Jaejoong go to college together ... and think that if they had gone to college together so many things have been avoided ...
My review is a bit strange but seriously is that I have been surprised ... is very sad u__u
Thanks for translating potecchi, for not letting it go half and although not physically win anything lol but for not abandoning us, and answer my comments with a million thanks xD
I read somewhere that maybe you could translate other famous YunJae fanfics, whatever it is, I support you!
I hope you have done well in your exams and you can rest, here are just beginning u_u
Take care and good luck ~! Thanks for everything ^ ^ fighting.
anemone_seaanemone_sea on February 26th, 2013 07:04 am (UTC)
sooooo agreeeeehh!!! xD
potecchi must be hard work and it's immpossible if she doesnt feel tired anymore T^T
thankyou so much <3
btw, reading Aya's comment... will potecchi trans. another famous yj ff? *cough kkkk lol
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:43 pm (UTC)
YES I MIGHT HEHE but something fluffier and less angsty. I need a bit of rainbows and unicorns and dancing-in-the-sunshine kind of story to balance out gashiyeon haha
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:42 pm (UTC)
homalah thank you!! <3 that was really sweet of you <3! I think it's the transition that makes this fic as tragically beautiful as it is :) I was so shocked by the ending but YES THERE'S AN EPILOGUE :) wait for it!

Thank YOU for reading my translations haha reading all these awesome comments is the best reward you guys can ever give me :) except, well, maybe money *gets slapped* don't worry about me! i'm doing fine and i hope you'll take care of yourself too! :)
aya_sakine on March 1st, 2013 09:58 pm (UTC)
Hey!, this chapter has already been fixed?
I read that had many errors > <
I hope not pressure you, it is just a question ^^u
putry1809putry1809 on February 26th, 2013 05:59 am (UTC)
Nooooooo... Jaejoong..KIM JAEJOONF... /sob its realy tragic.. What happen with yunho?
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:43 pm (UTC)
redsky6002redsky6002 on February 26th, 2013 06:18 am (UTC)
I ald knew this will end like this.. but but but.... TT__________________TT

and this line is soooooo heartbreaking..
"In my next life, I'll create a world where there's only the two of us. We'll live together in my paradise, never having to worry or be sad, bathing in the golden light of our youth."

gossshh,, i rlly am crying....
jaejoong ahh.. yunho ahh.. be happy even in the next life......

redsky6002redsky6002 on February 26th, 2013 06:21 am (UTC)
deaarrrrrrr..... ^^
rlly rlly thank u for finishing this.....
u're the best..... =)
hope u can translate another YJ fic..
but dont forget ur real life too..
good luck..

god bless u,, girl.. ^_________^
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:46 pm (UTC)
aww THANK YOU <3 i know you're one of the first few who joined this community haha so a BIGBIGBIG hug and thank you for sticking with me until now even though I mia-ed for a couple of weeks ):

there's an epilogue, which i'll finish by the end of the week LATEST :D won't leave all of you angsting around for too long!

and don't worry babe i'm just living life to the fullest :) best wishes to you, too!
(Deleted comment)
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:49 pm (UTC)
You know, deep down inside, I do believe Yunjae's real at some point in time haha (but don't we all?) xD

OMG SHHHH SPOILER!!!!! wait for the epilogue haha hush hush :) thanks for reading!
jessewhtjessewht on February 27th, 2013 06:01 am (UTC)
OMG!!!!!! I'm sorrryyy!!!! the least i want to be in my whole life is being a party-pooper!! and now i am..... ~'~
you should just delete my comment. i already delete it!
i am sooo sooo soooorrrrry...!! hahahahahhhhh! how stupid i am. i didn't think of an epilogue!! i thought it was over! so i was wondering.. jeezz!!!!
i'm really sorry. i'm gonna bury myself under the pile of dirty clothes now. ezcuse moi.

softcherryblossomjust_nheeya on February 26th, 2013 04:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks for translating this amazing fanfic. I really appreciate your hard work.

I've been looked forward for this translate in such a long time. Thank you so much. *bow*
potecchipotecchi on February 26th, 2013 04:51 pm (UTC)
Ahhh thank you for reading it! :) I hope you liked it as much as I did! :D
flidiflidi on February 26th, 2013 05:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you your hard work, that you translated this for us the wonderful but tragic fic. In Europe few men understand it and speaks the eastern languages, but we were able to read Mayo masterpiece.
This was big gift to Yunjae fans. I will be grateful for this for you forever.
I wait for the epilogue.
potecchipotecchi on February 27th, 2013 03:47 pm (UTC)
Oh, which country are you from? :D Thank you for this lovely comment and for reading my translations! :)
flidiflidi on March 1st, 2013 08:23 am (UTC)
I live with my husband and my children in Hungary.
potecchipotecchi on March 1st, 2013 01:27 pm (UTC)
:O WOW DBSK has fans all the way in Hungary? I'm impressed! God bless your lovely family :)
mary mae riasMyCuteSexyAngel on February 28th, 2013 11:12 am (UTC)
Reading the last chapter of this most beautiful and tragic love story while listening to Kiss B...

Nothing can be more PERFECT.
potecchipotecchi on March 1st, 2013 01:31 pm (UTC)
You have my support! >:D
gashiwakugashiwaku on March 9th, 2013 06:46 pm (UTC)
this really hurt like a lot oh my god...
potecchipotecchi on April 19th, 2013 02:28 am (UTC)
takemydreamtakemydream on March 13th, 2013 02:06 am (UTC)
I didn't know Jaejoong's cause of death is suicide... I thought he would die because his body is weak and he's sick.
such tragedy
potecchipotecchi on April 19th, 2013 02:29 am (UTC)
surprising eh? ):
dbsgheidbsghei on March 31st, 2013 06:21 pm (UTC)
Hey, thanks for giving your time in here really~ I've read gashiyeon last year and i never thought it would be translated fully [and i've read a spoiler actually]. I've been a silent reader but I want to thank you for this~ keep up the good work <33
potecchipotecchi on April 19th, 2013 02:28 am (UTC)
thank you!! :)
kawaii_gurl123kawaii_gurl123 on April 8th, 2013 04:57 pm (UTC)
poor baby she witness jaejoong died...
potecchipotecchi on April 19th, 2013 02:28 am (UTC)
ikr ;_;
Renata SoriaRenata Soria on April 23rd, 2013 05:58 pm (UTC)
I don't know if I want to cry or not, this is just... I can't accept this end >< when I started reading i knew it would end in tragedy but this... this way to die is too cruel... I'm going to need time to accept this T---------T thanks for translating >< this is an awesome story

Edited at 2013-04-23 06:00 pm (UTC)
shinkimonkyunjae_mochichi on May 11th, 2013 04:46 am (UTC)
oh god that was so painful, I had tears rolling down all through it and had to clean my glasses or I couldn't read further. The ending was just the worst. My Jaejoong-ah, why did you have to give up and leave your Yunnie behind like that? So painful and tragic, I have a weak heart when it comes to them suffering but I can't have Jaejoongie dead and Yunnie crying for him like this. Not after everything they went through together... I'll find consolation that Jae finally had his rest from all the guilt and demons eating him alive and Yunnie is strong and understand that too... /still crying
BittersweetHueejijang on July 25th, 2013 03:31 am (UTC)

AHHhHhhHhhHhhHhHhHhGgGghhh NO!!!